Having HAL with you on Spring Break

              My family and I took our spring break vacation in California this year where I was introduced to some really neat technology.   Our rent car, (a really filthy Toyota that we picked up at LAX,) had the “Never Lost” guidance system.   This is a guidance system with a computer in the trunk that talks to three “Global Positioning System” satellites.   It knows where you are, and if you tell it where you want to go, it’ll tell you how to get there.  While I have to admit that driving around lost on LA’s freeways is part of the Southern California experience, knowing where you’re going is also pretty neat.

              Our first stop was Disneyland in Anaheim.   From the rental car parking lot a female computer voice directed me to, “turn left in point two miles,” and onto the freeway toward our happy destination.   The first little “glitch” we found was when it would give me a direction every time the street or freeway we were on would change names.   With all of the towns in the LA area this happened frequently.   The computerized voice would say, “Continue going straight in point four miles.”   The first time it did this I thought the next off ramp looked straighter than the freeway, so I exited.   The voice almost sounded annoyed when it said, “recalculating.”   I was directed to take a series of turns that put me right back on the freeway.   It was here I learned that while two wrongs won’t make a right, three lefts will.

              I marveled at this gizmo’s ability to get us around what has to be the most confusing city in the entire world.   Not once did it direct me into a private drive or the wrong way on a one way street.   My daughters suggested that it could use a modification so that it would give me a little validation when I followed the instructions correctly.   Something along the line of a, “Good job, you deserve a hug.”

              My wife tells me that the next generation of these gizmos will link “real-time” to a big land-based computer.   She knows about this stuff because she works for the big computer company that originally developed most of this stuff.   The navigation system of the future will know about things like road construction and traffic jams, and will reroute you to avoid you having to spend hours of your vacation basking in the Los Angeles smog.   She tells me that it’ll also allow you to check your e-mail and surf the web for restaurant locations or hotels and such.   I don’t know if this is such a good idea.   If people that are yakking on their telephones and not paying attention to their driving irritates me now, what will people reading their e-mail or surfing the web while they’re on their commute do to me.   Maybe if they had their web address on the outside of their car it wouldn’t be so bad.   I could shoot them a quick IM (instant message) saying, “Hey stupid, look up! You’re about to run a red light.”

              Experiencing this new technology first hand really brought home the fact that we’re really in the twenty-first century.   Some time back my wife told me about IBM’s virtual companion that’s being developed to help drivers stay alert on long drives.   This is a device that will monitor your actions and eye movements, and if it feels you’re getting drowsy it will alert you.   This could be done in several different ways.   It may engage you in conversation or tell you a joke.  

             This may or may not be good.   Imagine driving down a country road, woolgathering and almost at the brink of coming up with a solution to one of the world’s greatest problems, only to have your reverie interrupted with your car saying, “Hey! What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?    A golfer goes Whap, Dang it! A skydiver goes Dang it! Whap.”  

          I wonder if it’ll have a laugh track or a drum roll.   If it did you’d know to laugh after it said “Hey, did you hear about the pyromaniac that was driving around in a Blazer?”   Hopefully it’ll have some means of changing the direction of the humor.   If it not you’d have to suffer through, “Hey! Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it” followed by, “Hey! What do you call a dog with no legs?    It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s not gonna come anyway.”   This could be painful after a while.

            If the microprocessor thinks the conversation or jokes aren’t doing a very good job of keeping you awake, it might resort to more drastic measures.   It may, make a loud noise for example.   Can you imagine having to explain to the cops the reason you ran those poor people off the road by suddenly changing lanes was because your car startled you?   It may even resort to spraying you with a mist of cold water.   This would work for me.   I always have trouble sleeping when I’m really, really angry.

           I can see potential for this device being modified to do some real good. It could be programmed to listen to one-sided conversations and know when the driver is talking on the cell phone and not paying attention to their driving.   The proper response to this might be a squirt of cold water with an irritated voice commanding “Hang up and drive!”   It could even be tied into the car’s computer and the Never-Lost guidance system.   “Hey, that’s three lane changes with no blinker!” Squirt, squirt!

           Being someone who is technically challenged, I don’t know if I’ll ever appreciate the finer points of this new technology.   Still, I’m excited at what all this new stuff might be able to do.  

           I may some day have an automobile that could sense my irritation at dumb drivers and respond with soothing music and aroma therapy.   What I’d enjoy more than that would be a car with a giant ink-jet printer behind the grill. When some idiot cut me off, all I’d have to do is type in an expletive and they’d have to finish their commute with “*(&%#@” inked across their car.  

           That would make me happy.

(This column was published in the Round Rock Leader and has since been modified greatly.   It is available for publication)