No sweat!   That’s easy for you to say skinny guy, try being a fat fellow in Texas during the summer.

                                                                                               By Dave Hamby

              What can I say, I’m a sweaty kinda guy.  I could even write a song.  It wouldbe sung to the same tune “Hair” has.  It would go something like; “ Hi, I’m a sweaty guy,I’m sweaty morning noon and nighty nite nite, my sweat is a fright.”

           Being sweaty most of the time doesn’t bother me, I really sort of like it.  My personal creed could be, “I sweat, therefore I am.” This is a lot better than the creed of a lot of my buddies, which is “Hey, watch me do this.”

            I’m sweaty for a few reasons, the first and biggest of which is because I’m fat.   Fat people sweat a lot. The fat provides insulation, there’s a lot more liquid sloshing around to sweat with, and it’s harder for a fat fellow to move than it is for a skinny guy.   This requires extra energy, energy produces heat, heat produces sweat. If you’re skinny and having trouble grasping this concept, then put on a fur coat and carry a bag of cement around the yard a couple of times.  You’ll understand.

              Another reason I sweat is because I’m German.  Germans have a natural aversion to drinking water. We feel water is OK to bathe in, and it’s really good for washing your car or your clothes. Water is also good for the fish, they start smelling bad after they’ve been out of it for a while. We Germans even like to swim in water, (but not in Germany, the water there is really cold.)  Germans don’t drink water, they drink beer. I quit drinking beer many years ago after my nose fell off one too many times, so I sublimate my natural instincts by drinking diet sodas. Diet sodas have a lot of salt in them and salt makes you sweat.   

            The third reason I sweat a lot is because (duh!) I live in Texas and its hot here.

            I personally think sweating is cool.  I’d even call myself a sweater, but I know if I did it would result in my getting a lot of Woolite for my next birthday.  

             I like to sweat, but sweating sometimes has its down side.  The first of which is the odorous nature of a sweaty fat guy.  I shower a lot.   ometimes   if I’m working outside I’ll shower three or four times a day.  I use deodorant and deodorant soap, but on occasion this is not enough.   ’ll give you an example.  My dog Emily rolled in something vile the other day and came trotting in the house to share her adventure.   he laid down on the floor next to where my wife was sitting.  My teenage daughter came in the room and exclaimed, “Wow, that dog really stinks.”   My wife replied with, “Is that the dog?   I thought it was your daddy.”   (I pouted the whole rest of the evening.)

            Another big negative of sweating is splotchy look you get when you’re all dressed up.  This really came home when I got to give my Rotary Club’s scholarship award away the other night at our local high school. Of course I dressed up in my tropical wool suit, (which I think means the wool came from sheep living in Ecuador because it’s still hotter than heck.)   t was 95 degrees outside and naturally I waited till the last minute to get dressed.  Thank God for the last minute, if it wasn’t for it nothing would ever get done.  

            Remember the part about when fat people move they expend a lot of energy?   Well when fat people move in a hurry they expend even more energy.   o sweat though, (ha ha).  I could cool off in my car’s air conditioner.  Wouldn’t you know it, that’s when my car’s A/C decides to quit working.  

           Later in the week I asked  my   mechanic, “Why is it the A/C always poops out on the first really hot day of the year?”  He gave me a look like I had to be the stupidest guy in the world.  It was then I realized how dumb my question was.  “I don’t   know Dave,” he replied, “Maybe it has something to do with why you can’t get a good deal on a barbeque pit at Christmas.”  

             Anyway, getting back to the story, I just knew I was going to end up squishing onto that stage and everyone at the high school was going to think I was Sponge Bob’s twin brother, Sponge Dave.  Luckily my wife pulled into our driveway at that exact moment.  I appropriated her car and dashed off to the ceremony.  

              Her air-co works really good, but I was a fat guy moving in a hurry.  I was already nervous about presenting the award, and now I was ticked off because my air conditioner took a hike.  I was sweating like a preacher that had just been caught with the deacon’s wife.  

              When I got there I had to try three sets of doors before I found one that was unlocked.  This didn’t do anything to help an angry, nervous fat guy in a wool suite moving in a hurry in 95 degree weather.  When I stepped into the entryway the first thing the guy standing there said to me was,” Don’t worry, the gym is air conditioned.”  

             I was relieved until I stepped into the gym.  I stepped right back out and said to the guy, “Hey, I thought you said that gym is air conditioned.   It’s gotta be 80 degrees in there.” “Yeah,” he replied, “but it’s 95 outside.”  Somehow I got through the event without sweating into the microphone and shorting out the PA system or leaving a puddle on the stage for someone to slip on and break their neck.

             It’s been suggested that I consider losing a few pounds and avert some of these life’s crisis.  The only thing that worries me about losing weight is the fact that I like to sweat.

             You see, when you see a skinny guy sweating, you think he’s up to something.