Is there such a thing as glasses for dogs?

                                                                         By Dave Hamby

           If there is, I’d sure like to know about it.  You see my black lab mix, Hannah, has some vision problems.  I don’t know if she’s near-sighted or far-sighted.  Really, the only reason I know she has a problem is that she has trouble judging distance.  

            Most of the time this is no big deal, but when she’s running at you in a full gallop to take a sniff this can be very worrisome.  To understand why this is a matter of concern, you just need to think about the guy at Sea World who was holding a fish in his teeth while he was leaning over the side of the dolphin tank.  There he was impressing all of his buddies, when along comes this dolphin with the same problem as Hannah, jumping out of the water and smashing him right in the kisser.  

             Now if you can envision an 85 pound black lab with this distance problem running at you to take a sniff, you can understand the kind of situation we’re having here.   I’m told this can be more painful than getting hit in the face with a 600 pound marine mammal.

              Hannah doesn’t get me with the wild nose, but she’s gotten just about every other male that’s come by our house.  The UPS guy won’t even get out of his truck anymore.  He just honks his horn and if I don’t come out to take the package, he just throws it in the grass and leaves.  

            Just after the Holidays my buddy Doug came over to bring me a calendar.   He was already out of his truck before I was able to get out of the front door. It didn’t take long for me to notice he was bent over double making these groaning noises. “Did Hannah get you?” I asked. “Naw,” he replied, “I’m just doing some stretching exercises.”  

            To add insult to injury, while Hannah has you bent over, she gives you a bunch of big wet puppy kisses.

             Grandpa’s aware of Hannah’s little problem. When he comes over he covers his sensitive areas and turns his back to the dog.  She still gets him with a goose that sends him straight up in the air.  He has a vertical leap that’ll make Michael Jordan jealous.   My wife tells me he’s too old to have to put up with that nonsense, but I point out to her that he’s still a real lively fellow.  

            None of my buddies ever come by anymore. Now that I think about it, we haven’t seen Grandpa for a while.

              Not everyone hangs around when the big dog comes at them in a dead run.   They don’t know that all she’s looking for is a sniff. The other day I looked out of my front window in time to see three Jehovah’s Witness’s jumping my front gate. Watchtower magazines were flying all over the place. A couple of months ago I found several boxes of Girl Scout cookies strewn about my front yard. I wonder what happened there. I’ll have to admit that things sure have been peaceful around here lately.

              She would certainly look goofy wearing glasses. I can figure out how we could make some straps that would hold them on.  The thing I can’t figure out is how anyone would know what her prescription was.  I can see her at the eye doctor’s. “Now put your left paw over your left eye and read line number 12.”   “Woof, woof, woof, woof.” "Good, line 11.”   “Woof, woof, woof, woof.”  I’m also thinking the selection of frames that fit her wouldn’t be very good.

              I could put her on a leash, but she’s smart enough to wait until some one gets in range before starting her approach.  I could also put her inside the pen in our back yard, but gosh, that just wouldn’t be right.  

             I’ve tried to call my buddies and apologize for my dog, but with everyone having caller ID it seems like no one’s home anymore.

              “Why on earth,” I’ve been asked, “don’t you train your dog so she doesn’t do that anymore?”  I’m hoping to find a solution that won’t require me to resort to that.   You see, I’ve got two daughters who are rapidly coming of age where young men are going to be calling on them. If I had something like glasses, I could just take them off the dog and she would go from being a liability to a real asset.

This article originally appeared in the Round Rock Leader.  It is half of the column that won me an award from the South Texas Press Association for humorous writing.  It has since been modified and is available for your publication.