A translator for talking dogs?
By Dave Hamby
I heard over the radio the other day that a Japanese company has developed a computer-type device that can translate your dog’s barking and body language into a human language you can understand. Now I’m certain I’ve heard of dumber things, I just can’t remember when.
The first thing that came to mind when I heard this was an old Gary Larson cartoon where a professor looking guy is walking down a residential street wearing a hat with a whole bunch of antenna and wires sprouting from it in different directions. On either side of him are dogs in their front yards straining against leashes or standing up leaning on fences, doing what dogs usually do in this circumstance: barking. The caption reads, “Finally professor Hundstat ( or whatever the heck the name was) has perfected his device that translates dog’s barking into English.” In the voice balloon above each dog is the word “Hey!”
It’s a safe bet when you hear your dog barking at another dog what he or she’s saying is, “Hey you! Hey!” Same’s true when your dog’s barking at a chicken, the moon, the neighbor, a cloud, a cat, a skunk, whatever. This makes a big part of the vocabulary in this dog-translating device real easy. It inputs “arf, arf, arf,” and translates this into “hey, hey, hey.”
Now I wrote in an earlier column about how my two dogs, Hannah and Emily, have a whole lot more to say to me than “hey.” While this is true, I can’t see how any device can possibly translate this into English. They have completely different ways of saying the same thing.
Take, for example, when I accidentally lock one of the pooches outside while I’m closing up the house at night. Hannah will go to the back door and scratch on it and make whimpering sounds. This could translate into, “Hey dummy, you locked me out! Open the door and let me in.” Emily on the other hand will sit outside our bedroom window and bark at the moon. She’s saying, “Hey! You’re keeping me from getting a good night’s sleep, so I’m returning the favor.”
Sometimes they say the same thing in the same way. If either one of them stares at me making whimpering noises with their eyes bugged out and their rear legs squeezed together real tight, that means, “Hey, I need to go outside to pee and you have the doggie door shut.” Another common expression of theirs is when they stare at me drooling. What they’re trying to say is, “I’m hungry, feed me Seymour!”
I’m thinking that for the Japanese to invent this device they either don’t have a very good grasp of the obvious, or they’re intending to export this device to the United States and they think we Americans are not particularly smart.
With programs like the “Jerry Springer Show” being aired on television here, I can understand how they might come to this opinion. In fact, after just reading an e-mail my youngest daughter Nanoo sent me, I’m convinced they’re developing this translator for export.
Nan’s e-mail talks about label instructions found on consumer goods. There are, for example, the instructions on an airline’s packet of peanuts that reads, “Open packet, eat nuts,” or the warning label on a major retailer’s hair drier that cautions you, “Do not use while sleeping.” I’m laughing through my tears about the clothes iron that urges you, “Do not iron clothes while wearing them,” and the children’s cough medicine bottle that cautions you, “Do not operate machinery or drive a vehicle while using.”
I don’t think I’ll be buying one of these translators when they show up on the shelves of one of our local electronic superstores. I’m afraid if I do I’ll discover my dogs may have the same opinion of me that I suspect the Japanese do.
If you’ve ever seen me come home after a hard day’s work and greet my dogs by getting down on my knees, making smooching noises and saying things like, “How’s my widdle puppy? How you? I wove my widdle puppy, I do,” you’ll understand why I’m worried.
This article was orginally published in the Round Rock Leader