Why Does All the Hair That Used to Grow on Top of My Head Now Grow in My Nose and My Ears?

                                                                                                        By Dave Hamby

              I know tough questions like this have plagued philosophers and thinkers since the dawn of time.  Still, I wonder why it seems like all of the hair that used to grow on my head now grows in my nose and in my ears.

              I also wonder if this is where doctors get the donor tissue for the hair grafts advertised on television.  If it is, this would kind of add a whole new twist to the statement, “Hey, your hair smells good.”  (Would you get boogers and earwax on your scalp instead of dandruff?)

              I’m only pondering on this because I’ve got a nice tan this summer and my nose hairs are now a very bright white. If I still had my Vandyke (that would be a moustache with some chin hair for those of you not well versed in the vocabulary of   facial hair) they wouldn’t be so visible.  

             Complicating this matter is the fact that the lady that cuts my hair , the only person in the world I trust to trim these hairs, has retired. I’m just not going to trust someone with multiple piercings to stick a sharp pair of scissors in my nose and ears.

             I’ve seen the “Turbo Trimmer” with multiple blades whirring at 1800 rpm advertised on television.  While this alleges to be a solution for folks like me, I just really don’t think it’s a very good idea.  If something went awry it could be a painful suicide.

             I bought some barber quality scissors once and did some trimming myself.   Since then I think my kids have been using them to cut tin. I say this because when I tried to do some trimming this morning the scissors just grabbed my nose hairs and hung on.   I had to use both hands to open the dad-gum things and wasn’t able to do so without pulling about a dozen or so of the lengthy things out by their roots.  I believe those hair roots were attached to the back of my eyeballs.  I haven’t cried so much since I accidentally ran into an onion patch on my riding mower.

            My wife has offered more than once to trim these hairs for me. This would be an ideal solution except for the fact that whenever she gets ready to do so, something about trimming nose hair strikes her funny bone.  She gets to giggling, sniggering and chortling and starts waving those scissors around so much she pretty much succeeds in scaring the bejeebers out of me.

           My cousin doesn’t have this problem because he smokes those funny, left-handed cigarettes and drinks a lot.  He’s always setting his nose hairs on fire. Of course he’s also setting the inside of his car and his shirt on fire too.  Except for that brief moment of a really bad smell and the blisters on his nostrils, he’s got a good solution.  I don’t know about his ears, he still wears his hair long.

          My daughter suggests that I tug on the few hairs around my bald spots in the hope perhaps that they’re connected to my nose hairs and in so doing, retract those unsightly strands invading my upper lip.  She thinks she’s funny.  I don’t.

           Truth is, none of the obvious solutions are acceptable to me. The same goes for waxing, Nair, laser treatments or anything else women are willing to do in order to rid themselves of unwanted hairs.

            I seem to remember a Mexican food restaurant in South Austin with hot sauce strong enough to burn you nose hairs.  I think I’ll go get me a taco.