Some good ol’ Texas Bull Tails

                                                      By Dave Hamby

              There’s nothing I find more irksome than a brand new Texan, formerly of the Yankee persuasion, telling a perfectly good Texas tall tale as though it were a joke.

              For the benefit of you new Texans who don’t really know what a Texas tall tale really is, I’ll expand a little for your edification.  A Texas tall tale, sometimes known as Texas BS, is not a joke.  It’s more akin to an urban legend, or a fairy tale.  There’s a way you can tell the difference between a fairy tale and a Texas tall tale. A fairy tales always starts with, “Once upon a time,” and Texas BS always starts with, “Now this is the God’s truth.”  It’s a little more difficult to differentiate between an urban legend and a Texas tall tale.  Urban legends are almost always set in some generic, unspecified location, while Texas tall tales are set somewhere in Texas. Texas tall tales go something like, “There was this fella down Laredo way that had a dog….”

              Texas tall tales are not meant to be shared in two minutes or less to illicit a quick chuckle or a groan.  A Texas tall tale is a yarn that’s meant to be spun over a period of time in the company of good friends.  Done properly it should result in a guffaw or some knee slapping, and if it’s done really well it should get a, “Dang it, you’re so full of Bull….!”

              I’ll share one of my tales with you to give you a better idea of what I’m talking about.  Space limitations prevent me from embellishing it like I would if I were visiting with friends, sorta like what one of these new Texans would do if they were trying to tell it as if it were a joke, but I’ll do the best I can.

              “I was taking a lunch break one day and went down to Veteran’s Park down by the Interstate to eat my sandwich.  It was after I’d eaten and was resting a bit when I noticed a little squirrel up in this big old Spanish Oak tree trying to get an acorn at the end of a long branch.  This branch was hanging out over Brushy Creek and the end of it, where this acorn sat, was just a couple of inches above the water.  

             As the little fella got close to where the acorn was his weight would cause the branch to dip into the creek. This caused him some considerable concern and he would scamper back up the branch and turn around at stare longingly at the acorn.  

             Desire for that nut finally overcame his good sense and he dashed to the end of the branch grabbed that acorn.  

          His little front paws had no more than touched the acorn and his hind paws had just barely touched the water when a big black bass jumped out of the creek and snatched the squirrel right off the end of the branch.  In a flash the bass was back in the water with only the little squirrel’s tail hanging out of the side of his mouth.

             This happened so quickly I had to rub my eyes in disbelief.   I was just beginning to wonder if I had imagined the whole thing when this bass jumped out of the water once again and put another acorn at the end of the branch.”

              Now back in my younger days when I would spend an evening visiting with our friends Kevin and Greta, I could stretch this story out to a good half hour in length.  

              Kevin, being from New Mexico, did not have the genetic predisposition to enjoy a Texas tall tale to its fullest measure.   In fact, about half way through most of my stories he would hook his forefinger in his cheek and make pulling motions while rolling his eyes around, as though he were a fish that had just been caught.  Greta, however, is a native and she’d listen to my story with wide eyed attentiveness to the very end.   Then she would stand up and throw something at me while exclaiming, “Dave Hamby!   I shoulda’ known better, you’re so full of bull….!”

               I truly do enjoy sharing my stories with that woman.

              Now you can understand why I get so irritated when I hear some fella with a Brooklyn accent calling into a morning radio show with a “Hey, did ya hear the one about the bass dat snatched the squirrel outa da tree?”