There’s nothing wrong with this computer.   You’re just Stupid!

                                                              By Dave Hamby

              Man I sure am dumb, and I think I’m getting dumber by the minute. Pretty soon I’m gonna be in the movies: “Dumb, Dumber and Me.”

              Why, you wonder, am I just now having this epiphany? Actually, this is not really a sudden awareness, so to call it an epiphany is basically incorrect. Just more evidence of my dumbasity, or is it dumbification?  Getting back to the original question; why am I just now becoming aware of my limited intellect? The answer, aside from the obvious original premise that I’m just not very smart, is because I’m now doing some consulting for an up-start computer web-hosting service.

              In the course of this consultation I’m exposing myself to the wonderful world of “Intelligent Technology.”  I think this is another of those mutually exclusive phrases, but what do I know? In my work I’m trying to fathom how the average computer user thinks, or at least how the software folks think the average computer user thinks. I’m also trying to glean the obvious from a dazzling array of confusion.  I’ve got to tell you, most of the time I just don’t get it.

              One thing I have gathered, the computer folks have experienced having to deal with idiots like myself often in their past.  Their unspoken mantra is, “It’s not because my product’s broken that you’re unable to use it, it’s because you’re stupid.”

              Now most of the stupid folks I’ve had to deal with in the past are very defensive, so it’s no surprise to me when I’m defensive about my own stupidity. I want to counter their mantra with something like, “If I’m so stupid, then why is the NASDAQ hanging around in the teens?”  But it only takes a second or two of thought to realize that they’re not one of the ones losing their tush in the IT market, I am.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!

              Now it’s said that misery loves company.  If this is also true of stupidity, then I’m experiencing a whole lot of love because I’ve got a whole lot of company. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I hate computers!”  Still, the computer folks wonder why their sales are down.  Maybe the reason why I-T sales are so disappointing to investors like me is because the public doesn’t enjoy being made to feel stupid.  When’s the last time you heard someone say, “Gosh, I haven’t felt stupid in quite a while.  I think I’ll go talk to a lawyer or the guy who writes the IRS tax manual.”  This could easily be amended to something like, “Gee, I’m really feeling smart and comfortable with myself.  I think I’ll go load some software on my computer and end that feeling.”  

              I’ve got a buddy who retired from a big computer company located in the south of town.  I’m not going to mention his name or the name of the big computer company.   I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I told him how frustrating it was to try and figure out what the software programmers are trying to tell you with all of their stupid little icons and how difficult it is for me to perform what should be simple, self evident tasks. He explained that this big company he used to work for was aware of how technically challenged many of my generation are.  After some serious reflection they decided it would be too expensive for them to address our frustrations, especially when you consider that soon a new generation of young folks who don’t have these limitations will be taking over and that this issue will resolve itself.  In other words what he told me was, “There’s nothing wrong with our product.  You’re just stupid.”  

              This is true; just about any 9-year-old can use most of today’s computers.  The problem I’m having is finding a 9-year-old to go to work with me in my office.  A lot of their ability is in their attitude.  I have my 14-year-old program my telephone, set up my answering machine, and do the other “impossible” tasks that I need to get done.  When she’s punching away on the buttons I’ll often say something like, “Be careful. You’ll mess it up.”   She’ll respond by saying something like, “So what, it’s not doing you any good right now anyway,” or “How will you know if it’s messed up or not?”   We had a philosophy similar to that in the body repair business.  It was, “If it don’t fit, force it.   If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.”

              So here I am, sitting at the keyboard of my computer, feeling as dumb as a government analyst that’s trying to figure out how to sell the public on the notion that more deficit spending is good for the economy, wondering just how the heck I’m going to convince my computer guy client that I’m the fellow with the answers to his problems.   Dumb, dumb dumb.

(This column was published in the Round Rock Leader and is available for your publication)