You’ve got to suck in order to smoke a cigarette

                       By Dave Hamby

              With all the emotion and rhetoric surrounding our city’s proposed no smoking ordinance; it’s only natural that I write this column about it.   When I told Andy, our Editor, about wanting to do this piece he said, “Great!   Your last apology column was really funny and with this subject, you’ll tick off enough people to warrant another.”   The only folks I can possibly offend are tobacco smokers and those folks that are offended by tobacco smoke,…. and the City Council,……and restaurant owners.

              All of this heated debate makes we want to quote Rodney King.   I’m not referring to the time he said, “Ow, ow, ow, that hurts, ouch, ouch,” but am referring instead to the time he asked, “Why can’t people just get along?”

              Seriously though, the non-smokers need to give the cigarette suckers and the pipe puffers a little empathy.   I don’t think the people with those nasty old cigars need any consideration though, they really, really stink.  

             What you non-smokers don’t realize is how persecuted tobacco addicts feel.   I used to smoke, and one of the reasons I quit sixteen years ago was because I got tired of people telling me how offensive my smoking was.   I can’t imagine how bad it must be in today’s politically correct world to be ruining other peoples’ enjoyment just because of an addiction to burnt tobacco.  

             Another reason I quit is because cigarettes started costing over a dollar a pack and my thrifty (cheap) German nature hated to see that kind of money go up in smoke.   If today’s smokers are willing to spend over $2.50 a pack for these same coffin nails, they should be allowed to do so without any disapproval from the general public.  

             Besides, smokers aren’t   aware of how bad those little tubes of burnt weed really stink.   You see, smoking kills your sniffer.   Really, people who smoke have almost no sense of smell.   My brother smokes, and when he gets around me, an ex-smoker, and my wife, a non-smoker, and my kids, our mom, his wife, and everyone else in the family who are all non-smokers, he doesn’t have a clue of what we’re all able to smell.   He’ll abstain from smoking and splash on two or three gallons of reeking cologne to hide his naturally offensive odorous nature, and we’ll still open all of the windows and turn on the fans.   All he can say is “What!”

               I remember being amazed after I quit smoking how the memories would flood in when I would sense an odor from my childhood that had been lost since I started smoking.   Subtle fragrances, like the noxious fumes coming from the back of a city bus, would take me back to my childhood in Germany where the whole dang country stunk like burnt diesel oil.   The smell of seasoned road kill would remind me of my youth when my buddies and I would bury dead creatures we found and dig them up a couple of weeks later to see what they looked like.   People who smoke are not even aware these odors exist.

              Smokers need to give non-smokers a little consideration also.   Just because sucking on that cigarette makes you think you’re the Marlboro Man and gives you great pleasure, it’s not necessarily going to have that same effect on others. When you see Humphrey Bogart blow smoke in Ingrid Bergman’s face, you have to remember that it’s been a long time since anyone thought that was cool.   You’ll have to try real hard to grasp this concept, but you can if you work on it.   I had a tobacco addicted friend ask me once, “Just when did this air I’m polluting become your air?”   I had to explain that when I inhaled, that air became my property.

              This brings us to the crux of our present controversy.   Does the city have the right to mandate where people can or cannot smoke?   Shouldn’t free enterprise and market conditions dictate smoking regulations?   One would think so, except for the fact that restaurant owners make a lot more money selling mixed drinks than they do serving food.   Think about it, a restaurant customer is most likely only going to eat one $8.00 plate of food that cost the restaurant $1.25 to make, whereas the bar patron is going to drink several $4.00 glasses of hooch that cost the bar 25 cents each, before they stagger out to their car and go home.   Simple economics dictate there will be very few non-smoking establishments.   This means non-smokers who would like to eat out in a smoke free environment have   few options as to where they can eat.

              This is why the non-smokers began to beat up on the city council to implement a no smoking ordinance.   To their credit, they’ve done a masterful job of coming up with a law that nobody likes and have postponed implementing it just as long as possible.  

             Restaurant owners tell us that this law will cost them 28% of their revenue.   Since I know 72% of all statistics used   are made up, (actually, I just made that up) I have to question the validity of their concern.  

             I don’t think it’s mandated anywhere that in order for a person to drink alcohol at a bar they have to burn tobacco.   I also believe that restaurants that ban smoking will discover that any business lost in the bar will be somewhat offset by additional business from non-smokers.  

              I know I’d enjoy seeing my favorite Italian restaurant go non-smoking.   I love their pasta, but don’t eat there because I always leave smelling like I just spent the afternoon at the dump on tire burning day.  

             I am also looking forward to seeing the signs installed by restaurants that will allow tobacco use, as per this ordinance.   I wonder if they’re going to make these smoking signs out of incense, so they’ll smoke for a long time, or if they’re just going to have a whole stack of   wood signs and have an employee whose job it is to keep them lit and smoldering.   Maybe they’ll just put the sign on the back of a Capitol Metro bus and have it parked in a handicapped spot with its motor running.  

             I’m also very curious to see just how many restaurants are going to go non-smoking, and how many are going to go for the big bucks at the bar.

              All of this makes me grateful I don’t have to live or work with a tobacco addict and makes me doubly grateful I’m not on the city council.

This article was originally published in the Round Rock Leader